On a Lighter Note

Psychic readings

Attribution(s): Unknown

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute-

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt ... prepare yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.    She simply had to know.  She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Guide to Medical Research Terms

Attribution(s): Unknown

Guide to Medical Research Terms -  A guide to the perplexed
 
 This by way of a pathologist.

 UNDERSTANDING AND WRITING SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH PAPERS
 
 The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a PhD dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
 
 "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
 
 "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

 "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
 
 "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
 
 "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
 
 "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... once
 
 "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
 
 "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
 
 "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
 
 "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so too.
 
 "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
 
 "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
 
 "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
 
 "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
 
 "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't understand it.
 
 "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.
 
 "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
 
 "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
 
 "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.

Insurance Claims

Attribution(s): Unknown

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.