On a Lighter Note

Satan gets Steamed

Attribution(s): Unknown

A curious woman died one day and found herself waiting in the long line of judgment.  As she stood there she noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven.  Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.  But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the woman curiosity got the best of her.  So she strolls over and asked Satan what he was doing.  “Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” she said “I am waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

 “Ah, those…” Satan said with a groan, “They are all from Vancouver Island. They’re too wet to burn!”

Grandmother's Advise

Attribution(s): Unknown

 My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advice she used to give! Much of the advice was forgotten since I was young when she died. If she was alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems of wisdom I remember were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find a great woman and  start my own family. "And son, remember this always," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She answered in her soft voice... "makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it

Sample

Attribution(s): Unknown

Father O’Malley walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to Heaven?” The man said,  “I do Father.”

The priest said,  “Then stand over there against the wall.”  Then the priest asked the second man,  “Do you want to go to Heaven?”  “Sure, Father, and who wouldn’t?” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall.”  Said the priest.  Then Father O’Malley walked up to Murphy and said,  “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

Murphy shook his head and said.  “No, I don’t father.” 

The priest said, “C’mon lad…I don’t believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to Heaven?”

Murphy said, “Oh, when I die, yes. Sure,  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”