Posted in Abuse & Bullying on March 27th, 2010

 

Caregiver Help: When the caregiver is abused and bullied, stress follows. Someone you love may be hiding this terrible secret because they feel so ashamed.

When Family Caregivers are overwhelmed with responsibility, they become vulnerable to stress and abuse.

Many caregivers feel shame and may even feel ridiculed by others for the abuse they are exposed to.  Many times because they are so exhausted, they attract individuals with predatory behavior.

The constant battle with my husband, Barry, these last ten years has hardened my soul.  It is difficult enough being a Family Caregiver but to have to care for someone who is constantly combative and abusive can wear you down after awhile. 

Barry, who was always a quiet guy before his stroke ten years ago, has turned into a mean person who will verbally demean and push buttons to create arguments, leaving me feeling devastated and emotionally depleted.  Some days I worry about my health, feeling heart pain and dizzy spells; concerned about strokes. (Update: had a mild stroke early April, life goes on.)

Barry suffers from brain damage caused by two strokes which has developed trauma induced narcissistic personality disorder.  So no matter how corrosive Barry can be, he is not fully responsible for his behavior. 

The battering cycle will start with Barry verbally demeaning me, and then I will pull away from the hurt to regain my balance. Barry becomes Mr. Nice Guy for a little while to regain my trust and then verbally batters me all over again.  A very vicious cycle, where I must remain understanding and strong; but I am only human.

Barry knows his behavior towards me is wrong and will only mistreat me when we are alone.  On a few occasions, when Barry thought we were alone, has a family member witnessed Barry’s treatment towards me. A small victory for me knowing someone else now understands Barry’s behavior towards me.

At one time, I even had to consider when Barry’s body was resuscitated back from the dead, Barry’s spirit had passed over to the other side, only to have an earth bound evil, malicious spirit enter his body. I must consider all possible options to this demise, as I shelve the thought to the back of my mind as a possible factor for Barry’s meanness.

On occasion, I have broken down and become absolutely enraged from Barry’s constant verbal abuse; having reached my limit, which unfortunately this is exactly what Barry wants – to push me over the edge, to see me lose it, so Barry can now take my anger and use it against me.  I am made to look and feel like the bad person and he is the victim.

When Barry passes away, not only will I have to grieve for his death, but also grieve for the entire trauma I have had to endure caring for him all these years. The only way I am surviving this, is that I have become a hard boiled egg – my shell may be broken but I still have a lot of bounce inside.

If Barry was institutionalized in long term care, the medical staff would find his behavior abusive and even disruptive, resulting in Barry being sedated.  No matter how abusive Barry becomes I would not want him sedated, so I keep searching for alternative solutions.

Slowly over time I learn the medication’s Barry is on, strips the body of vitamin B, which depletes his body of the happy hormones. I now supplement Barry’s diet with vitamin B complex each day. In addition, Barry receives vitamin D, vitamin C, and many other anti oxidants to help detoxify his body and brain, especially now that his kidneys are failing.  The nutritional supplements help tremendously, as Barry will at times become a very nice, intelligent, funny and quick witted person again; smiling to myself that is the old Barry I know. 

Barry also has diabetes and to minimize his abusive remarks, I must first give him his insulin shot even before I can say good morning to him or he will emotionally slap me as I walk through the door.  Have you ever heard the saying, never give your husband bad news until he has had his supper or he will blow his cool and before you know it the fight is on? 

I would like to note that by supplementing Barry’s diet with natural health products and removing all glucose-fructose products from his diet, Barry’s behavior is improving.   In addition through pet therapy with Zippy Lou, a six pound Maltese Terrier, Barry is calmer and kinder towards me. 

Please read http://www.familycaregiverhugs.com/blog/senior-care-caregiving-pets-are-great-stress-busters-in-elder-care/ about the health benefits of pet therapy.

Barry refuses to acknowledge his stroke has left him traumatized and he needs counseling.  He is angry at the world for being disabled and confined to a wheelchair, for incontinence; having to be cleaned up each day and to wear depends, for having to rely on me for a quality of life worth living; which isn’t much, considering life becomes very limited and confining in a wheelchair and due to the lack of funds, entertainment is non-existent.

I also wonder if Barry feels a sense of shame and guilt, that his life has seriously disabled my life through the love that binds. You hurt the one you love most.

The steps I have taken to try and minimize the effects of Barry’s emotional battering, changes over time.  Some days I must walk out of his side of the house, the in-law suite converted into a hospital room – yes, sometimes I slam the door on my way out, and other times knowing it is best not to even talk to him while getting him ready for the day. Barry natters, constantly, pushing buttons and I stay quiet distancing myself.

To create psychological boundaries for myself, I must always remember Barry is not well, even if he is manipulative and will place signs inside my home as a constant reminder to have patience. Any resentment that I feel, I meditate to find peace, stillness and guidance.

Also, I have painted two, six inch thick red lines, running across the wheelchair ramp which goes from my back patio deck down to Barry’s side of the house.  These two lines are a reminder for me that the red line by Barry’s side of the house is to keep all hurt or harm from entering my home and the second red line closest to my side of the house is to keep balance, happiness and peace within my home. I walk across these two red lines more than 10 times each day and they have served me well.

Caring for the elderly can be very emotionally draining, especially if your loved one misbehaves, as it’s not as if you can call a time out and reprimand them like children. The only choice you have as the Family Caregiver is to take time out for yourself and to let the frustration at hand settle down.

It is important to release that bottled up frustration away from your loved one and to know your stress limits, so you know when it is time to leave and take time out.  No, you will not be perfect at dealing with your emotions all the time – you are only human.  Respect your anger as it is your body’s way of saying – enough, even for today and to take your vitamins.

SUMMARY:

ABUSE – The silent shame of Family Caregivers who can be abused by their loved ones they care for and by other family members and friends who take advantage.

STRESS – The stress of caregiving is very high among Family Caregivers.  Family Caregivers must always be vigilant of where the stress is coming from to eliminate the cause.

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