Posted in Blessings & Thanks on August 12th, 2010

Every caregiver roll has an ending, with feelings of grief and sadness, knowing you and your loved one’s journey in this life time will soon end.

Try to imagine your special loved one. Then try to imagine your special loved one is dying and you only have so much time left together before the moments are gone forever.

Now try to imagine you are dying and as you look around, knowing each day offers one last moment in time, one last experience in your life before passing away.

To travel the last road of your many journeys in life with someone else by your side, to share life’s gifts and wonders and to gain strength where there is uncertainty in one’s passing; helps make the transition from life to death so much easier.

 

Barry should not have been resuscitated after his second stroke. It is cruel to have someone live a life of hardship, with only small glimmerings of quality of life worth living, with little hope of recovery. Barry was not expected to live very long with the odds stacked against him, but where there is life; we must be humane and provide the best quality of life possible.

Severely disabled from a stroke and confined to a wheelchair, with a heart so weak, physiotherapist refused to work with Barry for fear he would die in their care. After ten years of fighting for life, Barry is now dying of kidney disease caused by diabetes.

I had to sacrifice my life so Barry could have some quality of life worth living and had to give Barry much of my life’s energy from my body and soul to keep him alive. Using natural health products, by mega dosing in vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants and providing herbal products to help his heart, improved his strength to minimize the burden of ill health.

With all that I had to do for Barry these last ten years, he still could not accept his life and would verbally take his anger out on me each day. I could have walked away, but I knew deep down in my heart that is what he wanted me to do.

It hurt Barry knowing that all of the on going medical problems related to his ill health and disability were physically, emotionally and financially depleting my life. Barry was caught in a world knowing he could not live life if I was not there for him, and on the other hand, if I were not apart of his life, Barry could easily end his existence by giving up and passing away.

Still, we both put on a brave face, never showing anyone else our daily hardships and continued to do the best we could with the hand we were dealt with. Every so often, when I put Barry to bed at night, he would say, “Good night Babe, I had a good day.” Those few words were my “gold metal” for my sacrifices and efforts. I smile and count my blessings. Tomorrow is another day.

It is the first week of August and just as the Puntledge River flows out to sea, time is slowly passing by. Whenever we could, Barry and I would walk (Barry in his electric wheelchair) along the river walk way out to the ocean, which has now been proudly named the Salish Sea. This is Barry’s time, where he can ride his electric chair at high speed, enjoying his freedom. Jokingly, Barry could feel the wind in his hair, but Barry’s bald head is always protected by his sun wilted hat.

Sadly, I worry this may be our last trip together on the river walk way to enjoy the scenic view of the river, ocean and mountains together; knowing Barry’s time here on earth is in rhythm with the seasons. Autumn is only a few weeks away and with the falling leaves and loss of daily sun light, Barry’s strength and health will also diminish.

Wishing for one more sunny Autumn day when the leaves turn color and pray for strength not to cry; knowing it will be Barry’s last trip to enjoy the river walk way. Breathe in, that is all that I can do to remain strong and share what ever time we have left together.

Should we be so fortunate enough to go for that last walk together, I will be sure to have Kleenex in my pockets, and all in all, no matter how bitter sweet the moment, when Barry goes to bed that night, he will say, “Good night Babe, I had a good day.”

SUMMARY:

CAREGIVER – Xahnia has been a Family Caregiver to her husband for over 10 years.

TIME TOGETHER – Spending good time together with your loved one is an important part of the grieving process.

ENDING – Can be bitter sweet, as caregivers are exhausted but at the same time also need to move on with their lives.

GRIEF – It is OK to feel grief when a loved one is passing on. I cry a lot. It helps.

SADNESS – Is a big part of caregiving and is an emotion that must be respected. Be kind to your feelings of sadness. Turning sadness into something more positive helps.

Next Article:

Post Traumatic Stress and the Caregiver