Posted in Blessings & Thanks on February 27th, 2011

Understanding caregiver grief

The grief of caring for a loved one, the grief of medical trauma, the grief of loss of personal life and identity, grief of a loved one’s death, and grief of shame when the burden of care is removed are the many different forms of grief Family Caregivers must cope with.

What is so difficult about family caregiving is the state of mourning. We grieve for our loved ones knowing their quality of life and length of life is limited and there is only so much we can do to comfort them. All the while as we focus our concerns on to our loved ones, we either forget or shamefully put aside our emotions that we too are in mourning for the losses we incur as caregivers. Even though the hardships can be overwhelming at times, many caregivers would do it all over again in a heart beat for love, compassion or commitment.

My husband Barry, who is physically and mentally disabled from a stroke 11 years ago, is now coping with kidney disease with only 7% kidney function left, knows his life is soon coming to an end. Barry has been coping very well, much to everyone’s surprise, without kidney dialysis ever since he was diagnosed with only 13% kidney function 5 years ago. With the help of natural health products of high antioxidants, we were able to increase Barry’s kidney function back up to 35%, which helped Barry gain a few extra years without being confined to dialysis for 20 hours per week.

Over the years Barry has repeatedly come close to passing away, with each near death crisis leaving me exhausted and in a state of mourning. In my grief, I would always have to find inner strength to carry on, somehow, waiting for the next health crisis in the long line of medical crises over the years, adding to my state of mourning. While Barry hangs in there and I hang on placing my life on hold, waiting patiently when I can pick up the pieces of my life and to heal my grief.

Over the years, I have spoken to other Family Caregivers, who were too exhausted to understand they were in a state of grief, who felt a great burden lift from their lives when their loved one passed away. Their grief of caring for their loved one becomes grief of mourning for the death of their loved one, and at the same time, feelings of grief for the shame they felt for the relief of the burden caring for their loved one.

Counting my blessings and through meditation and respecting my feeling of sadness and grief, and allowing myself to cry helps to keep me focused. Sometimes we are so exhausted caring for our loved ones that we can no longer identify what emotions we are feeling. Anger, resentment, loss, loneliness, fear, love, compassion, joy are many of the emotions caregivers will experience. It is important to recognize the emotion of grief and the state of mourning while caring for a loved one as all caregivers will need time to heal the wounds of caring for another person in need.